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somewhat emotional somewhat not

Friday, 18 November 2016 • 2:31 pm • 0 comments

hello.

i think i wrote something a few days ago here about bobo. and i talked about time heals everything and how i doubted it.

but i think it shows now, that time actually does. i'm getting better at getting myself used to bobo's not being there meowing at me. i still remember him all the time, though. the difference is that i just don't cry that much anymore. which is a very extreme improvement for me. haha

oh um, i sat for additional mathematics exam yesterday. i thought that i could at least get and A- for the subject since I worked hard like hell for it. but goodness, who in the would knew the questions will be like that? I mean '?????' it's raining question marks everywhere man

goodbye to the precious A. D:<

i feel like crying, but.. no! hold it in hold it back ila!! /coughs,clears throat.

to sum up, my life has been very... hard to explain these days. she and i stopped talking and stuffs, i don't know why and what made us apart when we used to be so damn close. undoubtedly, time too, separate people apart. i have learn a lot from being in high school, detecting real and fake friends (but mostly the fake ones) and i think im already pro at it.. i think.

i noticed it long ago that when i was close with her, my life isn't that happy and i constantly felt down like every time i want to reach up to the sky, there was a rope that was being tied to my ankle which sucks a lot. do you know how i feel, mate? not just that, i felt like i wasn't being appreciated for what i did, i mean ??? not to mention that i sometimes got treated coldly and that, just made me feel like none other than shit.

i wondered a lot. and then i realized that i dont deserve to be treated like that, my poor self, my poor body and my poor feelings. im a human too and i deserve motivations and happiness in my life. not just some kind of shitty treatments from people who knows nothing about appreciation. maybe.. just maybe being apart from the one that you used to call 'bestfriend' isn't such a bad thing after all, if it's about making yourself a priority.

i think i've sacrificed a lot and if only my heart were made of can, i think it'll be badly crushed now. from what? endurance. endurance and more endurance, day by day. all about emotions. all i thought was, this emotional and dispirited self is so not me. all i know is that the one who you call 'bestfriend' shouldn't made you feel like shit about yourself, no? truth is i miss her, but i love myself so much to let my poor soul go through the same thing over and over again.

and here i am. free to spread my wings wherever i want to. im meeting new friends and obviously, new surroundings and atmosphere. not literally that atmosphere-- but well, you get me. im not really feeling happy right now, but im not sad either. rather than missing what's long gone, it's better to appreciate what's still there, right? same with rather than hanging onto something or someone that you love but constantly hurt you, it's better to love and think of yourself first. it's better.

all im saying is, it is fine to make yourself a priority. damn it. who knows you'll die tomorrow, right? do something that makes you feel YOU and leave whatever that stops you from being happy. even if that means you have to stop talking to your closest friend, possibly forever.

like i said, i learn a lot. and now i should probably learning physics. lmao! next exam on tuesday, wish me the best.

infelicitious

Monday, 14 November 2016 • 3:00 pm • 0 comments

I must say, that the second week of November wasn't really in my favor. I sat for three papers for SPM, which is a relieved since I basically don't have to worry about those subjects anymore. But.. we'll never know when something or someone that you really love dearly would leave you, right? My pet cat just died, on the last Saturday. Bobo had been with our family for almost seven years now, which made Bobo a long-lived cat. I still can't believe that he left us, it's as if he was meowing right into my ear, asking to be feed. I miss him, a lot.

Of course, you can't expect to move on in a few days when you have spent years and years with your pet or someone you loved, no? Bobo was there when I needed love and comfort. But now, he is gone forever. I still cant believe it, though, I was grateful, that the night before he died, I played with him for a while.

Busy schedules kept me away from him, I have to study study and study all the time, that I had so little time to play with him, to soothe his soft fluffy fur. I was thinking that, this is nothing compared to lose your parents. Those who had experienced it must understand what I'm saying, even though I don't know how it feels, but I'm sure it'll feel the same as losing Bobo, only with more despair and miserableness. But despite all this, I learnt to be calm and go on with the flow. To accept the reality and moved on with life. Of course, it is easy to say, but if you never try, you'll never know.

"If Allah takes something from you, He will replace it with something better."

Time heals almost everything, or so they say. I told my friends, well those who needed advise from me, but weirdly, me myself doesn't know what that supposed to mean and how true it is.

Dilemma, you can't avoid these seven deadly letters. Another bad thing happens after the other one passed. That's what life is all about right? Enduring the pain, facing problems but somehow once in a blue moon, rainbow appears too despite all the darkness of sorrow and endurance. That's what makes we all stronger, and I believe, my heart will become stronger from time to time from enduring the pain that I'm going through right now. Just like what mom always told me:

"Be positive towards Allah's plans, and He shall rewards us with good things."

With that, no more words needed. No matter how hard life is for you right now, I promise you rainbow in the approaching days, self.

Rest well, Bobo. Sayang selalu.

being my delusional self

Friday, 27 May 2016 • 12:48 pm • 0 comments

Hello lovelies! It's been a few months since I last updated. Good thing I'm grateful enough that I'm still alive despite the things I've been through these past few months. So basically, I just want to pour my heart out here. I'm not used to type so fast since it's been forever I didn't write here, I'm sure it'll take hours for me to finish. LOL please expect a lot of typos.

Since the new year's eve, I thought that I'll finally get myself a year break from kpop. But hella, I guess that wouldn't happen. I got myself into this whole new world of a new debuted group called NCT U!!! I know. What a name, huh? All of the members are so cute and surprisingly, the maknae aka the youngest member is the same age as me! LMAO interesting! Being an obsessed /not rly obsessed but still obsessed/ fan I am, I've been stalking them. I found a lot of photos and information that makes me happy though. How I wish SM would actually cast me to be in their company. I mean, I can sing.. and dance...... ... ... *coughs*

Anyway! After knowing Mark, the youngest member of the group, it makes me have this kind of stupid fantasies about how and what if I'm lucky enough to meet him. But afterall, that is just some kind of 'what if'. I mean, isn't that every fangirls' dream? to meet their bias? RIGHT???? RIGHT ??? GUYS ????? yes right im just being delusional. WE ALL ARE, FANGIRLS. :/

I've also found out that he goes to SOPA. God, how lucky for those girls that goes to the same school as him. While I'm here stuck with some awkward potatoes in my school. It's my final year though, but I'm complaining and whining to you all about how suck it is to be in my class. *screaming sound from the distANT*

I bet after I posted this for a few minutes, I'll be regretting my life choices as hell. *sweats*

And oh! Instead of reading books and do some revisions, I've spend my time 'productively' by watching animes! Ha! What a wonderful life, no?

I have to go. See yall soon!

xo, ila.

motivation? inspiration? all go down in the drain.

Sunday, 7 February 2016 • 1:41 pm • 0 comments

Hello you guys!

Finally. First update in 2016!!

I've been pretty busy with life these days that I couldn't manage my blog that well which makes me feel shucks for neglecting my blog, ya know. And yes, eventually this year, I'll be sitting on the most fab af examination in my country, SPM. Or might as well in Korea they call it SAT examination. I mean, it's only February but I can feel the pressure already! It's even more scary than the moment my dad mad at me. Can you imagine how intense is that?

It's seriously putting me under pressure since my parents want me to do very well. They want me to be a doctor which me myself isn't sure if I can be like what they want me to be. Heckie, me myself don't know what I'm interest in! Come to think of all this, I'm starting to think that I seriously need to start studying.. and have some interest with things. If not I'll be crooked -- not really.

But still! It's every person's dream to get into a nice university in their lives, no? I have on in mind too and now, I'm just focusing on my dream to get into there and be successful just like what my family wants me to be. I think I should have much fighting spirit in me though. I BADLY NEED MOTIVATION!! *screams through the empty hallways*

I'm Ila, and I can do whatever I want if I set my mind into it! Fighting! I can do this. Hell ye. I love my hair.

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